GANNON-BANNED was originally created in 2003 as a site to make fun of stupid Zelda mistakes and crap. As time has gone on, and more stupid crap has happened, the list below has grown longer. You can choose to take this site seriously, or you can choose to take it as a joke.

Last Updated: Thursday, June 28, 2012- Somebody bothered to track me down to put the moron who tried to tell me Ganon was spelled "Gannon" in Japanese originally in their place by laying down some basic weaboo skills.

The "Rules"

  1. Spelling Ganon "Gannon"
  2. Calling Zelda II "The Adventures of Link"
  3. Claiming Majora's Mask is Zelda 2
  4. Calling Link "Zelda"
  5. Claiming the Triforce is an obtainable item, as a whole, in Ocarina of Time
  6. Claiming System of a Down is responsible for the "Link! He Come to Town!" song
  7. Claiming there is a Fourth Triforce Piece in the official series
  8. Claiming there is only one Link
  9. Claiming The Wind Waker is the last game
  10. Claiming there is an OFFICIAL Zelda movie
  11. Dissing the CD-i games (especially without playing them)
  12. Claiming you beat the Marathon Man
  13. Claiming Link and Zelda are siblings
  14. Claiming there is no timeline
  15. People who used the nickname "Reborn" for Twilight Princess
  16. People who believed the "Gates of the Realm" or "Reigns of Sorrow" hoaxes
  17. Claiming The Legend of Zelda is based on the movie "Legend"
  18. People who fell for the EGM TWW April Fool's Joke
  19. Claiming Twilight Princess is based on the film "Ladyhawke"
  20. Claiming Twilight Princess on Wii is superior to the GCN version
  21. Claiming you encountered a game-ending bug in Twilight Princess
  22. Claiming Zelda II is anything other than the best Zelda game ever
  23. People who fell for the "futuristic" Zelda hoax
  24. People who believed the "Valley of the Deluge" hoax
  25. Not realizing Sheik is an epic reverse trap
  26. Claiming that a Zelda game is always first and foremost developed around gameplay, not story

1. Spelling Ganon "Gannon".

I really don't get some of you fans out there. There was only one time in the history of English-speaking Zelda games where Ganon was spelled wrong in an official product, and it was in the screen featured below. So how the hell are all these 12-year-old morons who never played the original game continuing to spell Ganon incorrectly? I've heard some pretty damn interesting theories, from the fact there are real people named Gannon to it sounds like "Cannon" (nevermind there is also a word name Canon, and a popular company known as Canon, too). The real reason is that some fans are ignorant little jerks, and their misinformation screws with new fans by teaching them to spell Ganon wrong. This shit ends now! STOP SPELLING IT WRONG, ASSHOLES.

A few years ago, some moron from a site that shall not be named questioned this rule that has sat as a cornerstone for the site for 8 years now. What this person posted follows:

"... a few months ago, I found out that ガノン was spelled out "Gannon" in Roman letters in the first three Japanese versions, thus having been used from 1986 to 1991. Mike Damiani alias TSA once spread his stupid assumption that "Gannon" was a misspelling when instead it is the official romanization of the name in Japan. The English games started to drop the second n with Zelda II, so that's the real mistake..."

Seeing as my Japanese language skills consist of knowing a few measely symbols and spoken phrases, I'm not qualified to judge anything in that language. However, somebody went out of there way to find my e-mail and informed me the person above is a moron who doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. According to this source...

"I don't know how much you know about Japanese language, but ガノン spelt out in roman characters is literally Ganon. ガ=Ga, ノ=No, and ン=n. Ga No N. Ganon. If you wanted to spell it out as Gannon, you'd type this: ガッノン. That little ッ is a hard pause in Japanese. It changes the pronunciation of the word in a way that's hard to understand without vocally speaking it, but the best way to reflect the subtle difference is to make a hard consonant, a.k.a. Gannon with an extra n.

I think you're kinda a pompous ass sometimes with a bad sense of humor, but when you're right, you're right. And you were actually right the first time."

This rule was made because in games where he is called GANON or GANONDORF, people would still spell his name wrong. If you're referring to some instance where it literally was spelled GANNON, then you're doing it right. Otherwise, you're doing it wrong.

Play the updated GBA, Collector's Edition or VC versions. Nintendo fixed this epic mistake. Try it yourself today.


2. Calling Zelda II "The Adventures of Link".

This one is an epidemic (see the official "Videogame Style Guide" for starters). Apparently for some reason, several people out there think Zelda II is called "The Adventures of Link". Just like spelling Ganon wrong, this trend has spread like wild fire. Sure, I've heard arguments that the translation of the Japanese title could be plural, but we're not frickin Japanese. The English title says "The Adventure of Link". If you want to go on some adventures, try passing second grade reading.

Update: Still don't believe me that this shit happens? Check out the recent 25th Anniversary article by 1up.

The greatest Zelda game ever made. Don't you dare spell that shit wrong.


3. Claiming Majora's Mask is Zelda 2.

Once upon a time, in the Golden Era of Zelda, there were only a handful of Zelda titles, and almost every fan played them all. Then Ocarina of Time came out, and the world changed. Apparently, for most people, it was the first Zelda title they ever played. So, neglecting the fact that four other Zelda titles existed beforehand, these new fans were not only very happy to see a sequel in the form of Majora's Mask come out, but believed it should be called Zelda 2: Majora's Mask. Rain fell from the heavens. Young babies cried. Rivers flooded and seas boiled. Then, along came GANNON-BANNED and set them straight. There are FIVE OTHER official Zelda games before Majora's Mask, not including those masterpieces known as the CD-i titles or the Japanese-only BS installments. But continue living in your dream world.


Maybe a moon will crash into your home, n00bs.


4. Calling Link "Zelda".

This pisses me off, too, but nowadays it's typically only incredibly stupid morons who do this crap. Hell, even I am guilty of this; I originally thought Link was called Zelda in the first game, but I was six ,and I quickly learned the error of my ways when I had a flaming iron prod with a Triforce symbol on the end branded into my ass cheek. If you're a fan, and you call things by the wrong name, just go jump off a cliff and rid us of your stupidity.

Update: Apparently sometime in 2010, those whacky, wonderful kids over at 4chan loved this rule so much, they raided The Legend of Zelda wikipedia entry and tried to replace every instance of "Link" with "Zelda". Oh, you guys are just too funny.

He's not a trap.


5. Claiming the Triforce is an obtainable item, as a whole, in Ocarina of Time.

"Oh somebody kill me please. Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty, pretty please! Kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my heaaaaaaaaaad!" The Triforce is not an obtainable item in Ocarina of Time, and I don't care how good of a fan fiction story you've made up to get it, it's not possible. Go back to writing another story on how you can make Link end up with Malon and they have babies or something, or how Zelda has a sleepover party to discuss who really loves Link the most.

NO, it is NOT OBTAINABLE IN OCARINA OF TIME! STOP CLAIMING IT IS!


6. Claiming System of a Down is responsible for the "Link! He Come to Town!" song.

This has a good history behind it that some may not know. Back in the day when Napster was the cool kid on the piracy block, an mp3 file began circulating that was labeled as being a live Zelda Theme cover by System of a Down. Sure, Joe Pleiman's voice sounds a bit like one of the members of System of a Down, but the real kicker was certain Zelda fans claiming they saw System of a Down (or some other band) playing this song live in concert. Pics or it didn't happen. The lyrics are by Joe Pleiman, and the song is featured on the album "The Rabbit Joint".

Feel free to make fun of the album cover.


7. Claiming there is a Fourth Triforce Piece in the official series.

Many die hard fans have said it is called the Triforce for a reason - that the Tri prefix means three. Clever devil's advocates point out it could mean triangle. Too bad the Triforce is not a triangle, it's a three dimensional object. Honestly, you'd think in over 15 official Zelda games, spin offs, and unofficial entries made, they'd have mentioned something of this fourth Triforce piece by now. Also, why the hell doesn't the creation of Hyrule story mention a fourth goddess, or a fourth piece? Why do the creators repeatedly claim there are only three pieces? Lock this one in the fan fiction box and throw away the key.

There is a FOURTH TRIFORCE PIECE! LOOK! IT FITS INTO THE MIDDLE! Congrats, you passed Fisher Price's "Shapes and Numbers for Toddlers". I'll take Shapes that fit into a triangle for 500, Alex.


8. Claiming there is only one Link.

This one just has to do with fans not wanting to read anything more than 5 lines long. Simply put, Eiji Aonuma confirmed there are multiple Links in an interview with Nintendo Online Magazine some years ago.

Oh come on, I am the ONLY LINK! Seriously, why do they call me the Hero of Time? It is because I appear in every game! WHOA. That must mean every game is a remake! YES! I KNEW I WAS RIGHT!


9. Claiming The Wind Waker is the last game.

HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas, n00bs! PHANTOM HOURGLASS IS A DIRECT SEQUEL TO THE WIND WAKER, TAKING PLACE MONTHS AFTER THE WIND WAKER. THE WIND WAKER IS NOT LAST, BITCHES! Why did anyone claim it was last in the first place? In the ending of The Wind Waker, Hyrule gets perma-flooded (although it was sort of already under the ocean...but I guess flooding it again will really cause some water damage this time). So Hyrule must be gone. Since Hyrule is gone, the Zelda series must end. Since every Zelda game revolves around Hyrule...

Update: OH HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! Not only is Phantom Hourglass a sequel to The Wind Waker, but Spirit Tracks actually confirms that the Link and Zelda in The Wind Waker FOUND A NEW LAND AND CALLED IT HYRULE. Look into those eyes of Zelda in the image above. It's like gazing into failure.

Keep watching past the credits, morons. Link and Zelda sail off for more adventures. Go fly a kite, stupid n00bs.


10. Claiming there is an OFFICIAL Zelda movie.

No there isn't. I don't care what you say, one doesn't exist yet. I know some people have claimed they have seen a studio script or even have a trailer by some studio, but the fact is everything I've seen stinks, and Nintendo hasn't sold the rights. There's a hoax film headed by Cellius who is tormenting some retarded adult named Joe Cracker, who I still think is a faked alias, there's some animation that looks like a CD-I production by Joe Morriss, and in the best effort yet, David Blane (no, not the magician...the magician was at least on South Park) and his crew made some ridiculous crap called "Hero of Time" which I think is a great B-Roll gay porno teaser. Or an Emo Concert trailer. Even IGN got in on the action - their 2008 April Fool's prank was a Zelda trailer they cooked up.

Update: So that David Blane dude actually finished his "film". You can watch it, if you dare. It's still just another FAN FILM that sucks and proves why crap like this can never hope to obtain anything other than FanFiction.com quality. And we know just what kind of trash you can find there. Search for Sora, Axel, ice cream, and Yaoi...

Update 2: Nintendo eventually got fed up with that piece of garbage known as Hero fo Time and forced the creators to stop showing it. Thank god. But sadly, another project has risen up in its place; The Zelda Project - a group of past-their-prime Cosplayers who think they are somehow capable of making a Zelda movie with Nintendo's blessing. They even went to Tokyo Game Show 2010 to try to speak to Nintendo to pitch their film to them. Too bad Nintendo doesn't go to TGS, ever.. Listen, if you want to make a Zelda film for the fun of it and for the love of Zelda, go ahead. There are great short films and feature films based on Zelda on YouTube and other places. If you're doing it to exploit the series' name, get internet famous, or get rich, then throw yourself into the sea and rid us of your stupidity.

If you think that this fake poster is cool, then you will like Joe Cracker's script or Joe Morriss's movie.

"Hero of Time". Go kill yourself, Emo Link.

Great job, IGN.


11. Dissing the CD-i games without playing them.

Apparently whenver The Faces of Evil, The Wand of Gamelon or Zelda's Adventure is brought up, every single person involved in the discussion of these three titles automatically chimes in with something that amounts to "these games suck". Yet, these people have never touched these titles. It's not something unique to just the Zelda universe, but still, it's always awesome to see people rant about the CD-i Zelda games like they're experts on them without ever playing them. Have you guys seen how many memes have come out of the CD-i Zelda games? They also had TWO TITLES starring Zelda - something many fangirls bitch about. It had voice acting, cinematic cutscenes, and more. These games are fucking epic, and you better recognize.

You can't deny the awesome production values here.

Greatest moment in Nintendo's history.


12. Claiming you beat the Running/Marathon Man.

Oh wow. Not only do I see this claim all over the place, but people actually ask repeatedly how to beat this guy after Nintendo itself said there is no way to beat the guy. And when I mean beat him, I mean the official in-game race from the Gerudo Valley tent to the entrance of Kokiri Forest. This rule was made to bash on n00bs who claim they beat the Marathon Man in the race found in-game.

Update: There's a YouTube video of a ROM hack that alters the text to make it seem like somebody actually beat the running man. WRONG ANSWER, MCFLY!

Run, run, as fast as you can. You'll never beat the marathon man. And in the end you'll meet a GANNON-BAN!


13. Claiming Link and Zelda are siblings.

No they aren't. You see, this controversy stems from that stupid quote from A Link to the Past, "Zelda is your..." People claimed the Japanese version said "Zelda is your sister". No, it didn't. Anyway, in the newest version released in 2002 for the Game Boy Advance, it says "It is your destiny to save Zelda." It did not say "Zelda is your sister".

Yes, Link has a sister. Last time I checked, Zelda wasn't spelled "A-R-Y-L-L".


14. Claiming there is no timeline.

BWA HA HA HA! READ IT AND WEEP, BITCHES! THAT'S THE OFFICIAL DAMNED TIMELINE COURTESY OF NINTENDO! I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO POINT AT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MORONS OUT THERE WHO ALWAYS DOUBTED THE TIMELINE AND LAUGH! COME ON NOW, HAVE A BIG LAUGH! SUCKS TO BE YOU!

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE WRONG AFTER ALL THESE YEARS? THOSE TEARS OF BITTERNESS TASTE DELICIOUS! MMMM, SO GOOD!

Before the glorious day Nintendo revealed the timeline in the Hyrule Historia, a Zelda encyclopedia that was released in Japan in December 2011, people had their doubts about the timeline. Originally, this rule had the following to say on the matter.

Head on over to Miyamoto Shrine, you will find a link on the left for "Interviews". Click it, and then click the 2003 Super Play interview. In that interview, Shigeru Miyamoto says that there is a large document that relates the games to each other. In addition, in a recent GameSpy interview, the new head of Zelda, Eiji Aonuma, said he cares very much for story and is going to make more sense of Zelda's story in the future. And oh yeah, at Camp Hyrule 2004, Bill Trinen, the NOA Localization guy, commented that there is indeed a Zelda Timeline, that there has been one for as long as he has known, but it was due to some previous localization "issue" that it became so skewed. However, he said Eiji Aonuma and all the Zelda teams in Japan and the US are working to make the timeline clear to fans, and are actively working to tie it all together with each new game. Regardless of how messed up the timeline may be, why the hell do they keep referring to other games in each new title? We may never know what the timeline is, we may never know if it was always the same or not. Point is, the games obviously connect, and anyone who says otherwise is a fricking moron. Oh yeah, and in 2006, Eiji Aonuma confirmed there was a split timeline. More evidence there is one afterall. Still not buying it? At E3 2007, IGN conducted an interview with Eiji Aonuma, in which he revealed that there is a document on a few computers at NCL which are marked "top secret" which contain the basic "timeline" of the entire Zelda series, known or unknown to the public.

Laugh now, n00bs. He's laughing right back.

Also, in a July 2010 interview with Official Nintendo Magazine, Zelda series producer Eiji Aonuma had the following to say:

"Yes there is a master timeline but its confidential document!” explains Aunuma-san. “The only people to have access to that document are myself, Mr. Miyamoto and the director of the title. We cant share it with anyone else! I have already talked to Mr. Miyamoto about this so I am comfortable in releasing this information – this title [Skyward Sword] takes place before Ocarina of Time. if I said that a certain title was ‘the first Zelda game’, then that means that we cant ever make a title that takes place before that! So for us to add titles to the series, we have to have a way of putting the titles before or after each other."

Every single one of you trolls out there who believed that stupid customer service response from NOA that said there is no timeline, and anyone else ignorant enough out there to still believe there is no timeline needs to rid us of your stupidity by hurling yourself into a pack of wild Wolfos. Already I can see the chain reaction: the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you to the simple and obvious truth: there's a god damned timeline and there is nothing you can do to change that. Go cry in a ditch and write some more shitty Kingdom Hearts yaoi.


15. People who used the nickname "Reborn" for Twilight Princess.

Thank you IGN for starting this stupid trend. You see, IGN decided to give a nickname for the then unnamed Twilight Princess, and coined it "Reborn". Back thenm every damn moron with no brain went around saying "Reborn" this, "Reborn" that. Well guess what, morons? If you go to YouTube and search for the E3 2002 The Wind Waker trailer, you will find something very interesting. This interesting "thing" is what the voice narrator says. "This year, the legend is reborn". HA! Stupid damn IGN! I guess TWW should have been called "Reborn", too? Right? Since nobody does this anymore, this rule is more of a reminder that creating lame ass psuedo-titles for a game will get you GANNON-BANNED.

Don't make me go Zelda on you. Seriously, Reborn? What the hell kind of name was that?


16. People who believed the "Gates of the Realm" or "Reigns of Sorrow" hoaxes.

You've got to be kidding me. Sometime in late 2004, some lame brain morons on a Spanish Forum for a Zelda site decided to create a rumor. They discussed a Japanese magazine, KA Monthly, that cited the title for the new Zelda game in 2005. The title in Japanese was roughly translated to Ride of Melancholy/Briddle of Sorrow. Every fan site on this side of the Great Sea began their own theories and rumors based on this initial rumor. Near the end of 2004, another person altered an existing press conference image to fake Miyamoto announcing the new title for the Zelda game in 2005, Gates of the Realm.

What are you focusing on more? Miyamoto, or the hot Asian chic?


17. Claiming The Legend of Zelda is based on the movie "Legend".

I am not sure who started this great myth, but it's simply not true. The original Zelda came out in Japan on the Famicom Disk System on February 21st, 1986. Legend came out in limited release in Europe in late 1985, and then in 1986 for North America. Production of both products began at nearly the same time in 1983, but at opposite ends of the globe. Quite frankly, there is a window of maybe two to three months in which Shigeru Miyamoto and company could have flown to Europe, seen Legend, and then flown back to make Zelda. In all honesty folks, Legend has very little in common with the original Legend of Zelda. Sure, Tom Cruise's character of "Jack" wears green clothes and he likes a princess and has to save her from an evil dude, but come on. Jack lives in a forest, has to save unicorns, drinks tea with forest folk, wears gold armor for most of the film, and fights some bull-demon form of Tim Curry. The film is more like Ocarina of Time, which came out in 1998, 12 years after The Legend of Zelda was released anywhere.

Zelda and Scientology don't mix.


18. People who fell for the EGM TWW April Fool's Joke.

Back in the end of February 2005, some fans got a hold of the April Issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly. If you opened your magazine to a certain page, you saw this image:

Oh yeah, that looks so realistic!

You've got to be kidding me. Below there was text explaining if you pre-order the upcoming Zelda on April 1st, 2005, you would receive a remake of The Wind Waker in the graphics of the upcoming title. I don't know how stupid fans can get, but this is ridiculous. You're morons. Everywhere, from GameFAQs to Nintendo's forums, hundreds of threads popped up about this bonus. And even long after the fact the joke was exploited, morons still thought it was real.


19. Claiming Twilight Princess is based on the film "Ladyhawke".

Oh man. IGN started another great theory. Apparently in Japan there is a manga called Twilight Princess and the author said the film Ladyhawke influenced the story. So IGN thinks since the new Zelda has a hawk and a wolf that it automatically is based on the film ladyhawke. I'm not going to list for you how many things in the world involve a wolf and a hawk that came out since 1985. But it's IGN, and since they were right about Link changing into a wolf, apparently they are right about everything.

...no comment...


20. Claiming Twilight Princess on Wii is superior to the GCN version.

At GDC 2007, Eiji Aonuma gave an hour long presentation which was essentially a "development history" recap of Twilight Princess, in which he made clear the original delay was because Miyamoto and Aonuma felt there was no way the title would be done in time for the holiday season in 2005, and Satoru Iwata decided to push it to the Wii. The final control scheme of Twilight Princess was not done until August 2006, and that Twilight Princess went through numerous "control schemes" on Wii because the developers couldn't figure out the best way to utilize the Wii Remote and Nunchuk setup. There was even a first-person combat mode attempted. Also, Aonuma stated at GDC that the game was a GCN title made for the GCN, and ported to Wii. Now that the game has been out for some time, he continues to state he has regrets with Twilight Princess because it was never truly a "Wii" title, and at E3 2007, he stated he can't wait to try out his new ideas for the first true "Wii" Zelda (which we now know is called Skyward Sword and was built from the ground-up for Wii and utilizes Motion Plus controls). So give it a rest, you trolls lost. Simply put, Twilight Princess was built ground-up for GameCube, and then ported to Wii in order to ensure the gimmick controller and console would have a "killer ap" of some sort, even though the controls were tacked on with very little substance (aiming in first person mode was about it). Yes, the GCN controller has "less buttons", but the GCN version has more functionality, including but not limited to full camera control, the ability to do quick spin attacks and charged spin attacks, and flipping off Epona backwards (coolest shit in the game).

The system still sucks. Stop buying it, fanboys.


21. Claiming you encountered a game-ending bug in Twilight Princess.

I ****ing hate GameFAQs for a reason. That reason is stupid n00bs who have no god damned clue what the difference between a BUG/GLITCH is, and what a PUZZLE is. For some god forsaken reason, everyone and their dog was out to get Twilight Princess and prove it was "flawed". Everytime some lame ass n00b got stuck in Twilight Princess, they would post a topic on GameFAQs saying "GAME ENDING BUG". Holy hell. Go play Zelda 1 on NES, retards. I bet you'll encounter some serious game ending bugs in that game...one every minute. Seriously, you're 0 for your life, GameFAQs.

The most notorious of these craptastic claims was a "puzzle" (I use the term lightly because it's not even a puzzle because it's something obvious to almost everyone else on earth) in Arbiter's Grounds and Hyrule Castle (the last dungeon) where Link would move incredibly slow, like he was wearing the Iron Boots. Without thinking to go use your Wolf Sense to just check if maybe something invisible to you was causing this, n00bs ran to message boards and shouted "GAME ENDING BUG - I AM IN ARBITER'S GROUNDS AND WOLF LINK WON'T MOVE RIGHT! GOOD JOB NINTENDO!" Urge to kill rising. I have no sympathy on this one, and I am not the only one who got fed up with this crap. When I saw the insanity spread to other boards, I knew it was time to end this ****.

Retro Goggles Update: I have neglected to mention since now that there was indeed a game ending bug in Twilight Princess involving the cannon room. If you saved upon entering it, you would be stuck in the room with no way out, and Nintendo acknowledged the bug and offered to replace copies of the game for those affected. However, this rule is specifically about the outbreak of false game ending bug claims that sprung up as part of a psuedo-smear campaign by trolls.


Game ending glitch? Try pushing the little button on your ****ing Wii Remote/GCN Controller.


22. Claiming Zelda II is anything other than the best Zelda game ever.

The Adventure of Link is widely regarded as the "dark horse" of the Zelda series. After fans got hooked on the original, Miyamoto and company had the audacity to create a sequel that attempted to offer a truly new, unique experience to gamers. How were they rewarded? By the screaming rants of angry fanboys who continue to this day to swear on their lives that Zelda II is the worst Zelda game ever made. Just like the CD-i issue mentioned earlier, a majority of these dissenters are fans who haven't touched the NES classic. Zelda II was ahead of its time - pretty much the first action RPG ever, and it also came out around the time of both the original Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest. It pioneered restoring one's health by taking advantage of hookers (which is apparently a big deal in modern games like Grand Theft Auto), gave Link the ability to use magic and new skills (reused in every Zelda title since then), and featured tough-as-nails difficulty (at the time) that has been sorely missed ever since. Bottom line, Zelda II is a god amongst men. It's the only Zelda title where Link gets it on with Princess Zelda (albeit behind the curtains since rendering such an amazing act on the NES was simply not possible) - that peck in Oracles didn't mean shit. There's so much more, but you should get off your asses and actually play this masterpiece.

You are an "error" if you talk shit about this game.


23. People who fell for the "futuristic" Zelda hoax.

April Fools is stupid. EGM made a hoax mentioned earlier, as did IGN. I even participated in the "festivities" many years ago - making a fake "Twilight Princess" trailer, as well as a fake "interview" (which subsequently resulted in the destruction of the interwebs and throwing everyone into Serious Business mode). Well, last year Wii.tv decided to join in on the now "5-minute-old meme" of making fake Zelda shit for April Fool's day, one of the most original ideas ever. They basically took a bunch of pre-existing fan artwork and artwork from other franchises and edited them together with some music, claiming it was the first concept art for the new Zelda for Wii. Well, naming the motorcycle that Link would ride "Epona" did sound moderately awesome, but otherwise the hoax was blatantly obvious. Anyone who believed it (and quite a few did) needs to get with the program; anything remotely released around the time of April 1st related to Zelda is 101% fake.

Are you fucking kidding me? Guns in Zelda? Like Miyamoto would ever be that awesome.


24. People who believed the "Valley of the Flood" hoax.

If you're a newcomer to the Zelda community, then you probably aren't aware that in long periods of no information about the Zelda series, fans (and fan sites) tend to think it is a good idea to go ahead and make up "exclusives" in the form of "fake information". Zelda Deluge, aka Valley of the Flood, wasn't an April Fool's hoax, but rather a poorly conceived rumor that one fan made up in the time leading up to E3 2008. The rumor was in two parts; a fake interview (seriously people, you can stop copying me anytime now) and a fake screenshot. Even after the "creator" admitted the shit was fake, people went on and on about how it could be real or how awesome it would be. The primary reason was because the whole premise revolved around a Zelda with a Steampunk theme. And like what Emo was to kids in the late 90s, early 2000s, Steampunk is to teens today. It's a hip, cool to pretend to be into thing that they have no comprehension of. Seriously, GTFO and go dress up like the cast of Death Note, or some other emo shit like Lolis.

The Crow meets City of Angels meets Final Fantasy VII meets John Woo. What an epic clusterfuck.


25. Not realizing Sheik is an epic reverse trap.

Alright folks. Princess Zelda is a female. Biologically speaking. She acts like a Princess, meaning she's feminine. In Ocarina of Time, in order to hide from Ganondorf's tyranny and evil hand, Princess Zelda passed herself off as a male Shiekah. OH NO, EPIC SPOILERZ: ZELDA IS SHEIK! Oh shit, I just ruined Super Smash Bros. Melee and Brawl for all you! Sheik is Princess Zelda, which means Sheik is a female disguised as a male. Fans argue that Sheik looks like a guy, but have you fucking ever waltzed into the realm of Cosplay? There's a fuckton of chics who Cosplay as dudes, even when they have a little thing we guys have come to know as boobs. Honestly, you're either a sexist moron who thinks women are good for only one thing, or you just can't come to terms with your own homosexuality.

Behind that tight spandex and clothe lies one foxy babe. You better believe it.

What did you expect from the country that brought you one of the most epic traps ever?


26. Claiming that Zelda is always first and foremost developed around gameplay, not story.

I can't tell you guys enough how many times I've been trolled or laughed at for even suggesting the notion that a Zelda game was developed around a story before the gameplay. It seems that Zelda games are always developed around a gameplay idea first, and story always takes a backseat, right? Head on over to the 5:21 mark of the video below. Listen and weep. Twilight Princess was developed first and foremost around a STORY, and without it, the gameplay couldn't have existed.

Thanks for playing!



If you disagree with anything you've read here, feel free to check yourself into the Evil Jar. I'll be sure to get to your complaint as soon as possible (that means never).